Diferente ~

" Não me mostre o que esperam de mim porque vou seguir meu coração!

Não me façam ser o que não sou, não me convidem a ser igual, porque sinceramente sou DIFERENTE!
Não sei amar pela metade, não sei viver de mentiras, não sei voar com os pés no chão.

Sou sempre eu mesmo, mas com certeza não serei o mesmo para sempre!

Gosto dos venenos mais lentos, das bebidas mais amargas, das drogas mais poderosas, das ideias mais insanas, dos pensamentos mais complexos, dos sentimentos mais fortes.


Tenho um apetite voraz e os delírios mais loucos.
Tu até podes me empurrar de um penhasco que eu vou dizer:
- E daí? EU ADORO VOAR! "  - Clarice Lispector

Fate has brought you along just to show me that there’s life after a devastating Love;

And that a gentle kiss can still cause me to feel the butterflies.

You were right there trying to show it to me all this time…only now I’m starting to find my way back.

(You)phoria

They say certain states of euphoria -such as love - often impair your judgment;

Clouding your will and beliefs; And your personality, pff..gone, completely altered and defined by a strange body of emotions that isn’t your own.

Loving you is entirely out of my jurisdiction, out of my competence to absorb and deal with.

Loving you is something I never thought possible after all I've been through, and learned not to do.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, until a few days ago I would drop anything I'd be doing just to attend to you;

To make you happy, regardless of I what I wanted in the first place.

I wanted more from you, so much more, but that didn’t seem relevant when I was presented with the options of having you in my life for only brief moments or not have you at all.

It was less than I deserved, but I took it, because I love you.

It's a shame to see all that effort go to waste in a minute..

I was the one who should have chosen to pull away, but instead I stayed, ready to face the fate you single-handedly decided to set for yourself and I.

For some reason you couldn’t even stand by your decision long enough..

Makes me wonder if I'm perhaps the only one with the clouded judgment and in between those states of euphoria.

Regardless of what it is, it has come to that time..

the time to move on. 

MJ

....

* (So what do you do when it hurts being near someone you madly fell for so bad that you can't even stand being in the same room but can't seem to manage being away from them either?

Oh wait,  that's easy, you basically go insane..double check that!)

a breath between my two states of mind (2)

II

(...) When he wouldn't love me, I lost perception of whether the love I felt for him compared and weighed to the desire I had to run, of getting it out of my system, was stronger.

…feels like I'm cornered in this stupid little maze game, that I'm just too out of breath to keep playing.

I'm too vulnerable, wonder how it got this way…

It's as if I were a puppet Love is trying to mercilessly man-handle

(...)

I know now what triumphed: the desire of getting it out my system.

This has become too inconvenient.

I'm running, walking out on loving. Away from not being loved…

I choose to preserve myself. To love oneself always.

I think I might just be the wicked one after all…

M'Jayes ~

from "a breath between two states of mind II - 29.06.10 "

My final day.

.

Another chapter is fulfilled, another story ends...

I've always hated saying goodbye. Just can't stand it.

The moment itself passes by so fast, and one honestly thinks he will get through it alright, without even flinching.

But then later, once adrenaline stops pumping, one realizes, nah, my insides are not alright.

It starts hurting like crap and the more one tries to convince himself that it will pass, the more it gets him: the real magnitude of a goodbye.

Goodbyes may vary, not all are definitive, some are even easier to embrace with time and perhaps determination.

I probably hate goodbyes not necessarily because of someone's absence itself, it's the resulting effects.

When I say goodbye to someone dear, even if for a brief period of time, I'm always restless.

I fear that with time and distance that particular bond I had with that individual might slowly start to fade into something ordinary.

And all the good moments, all the wishing well and companionship, just zoom out into pleasant sights I've once seen and aren't quite the same anymore, becoming only vivid memories well kept in my mind's special drawer..

Hate reminiscing, I am only truly happy while I'm living it!!

We lived. we laughed. we argued. we were there for one another.

In our highest performances, in our lowest thoughts.

You took the time to know me..each one of me.

when I was myself and when I wasn’t.

You took the time to listen, you took the time learn, to teach, to love me, because and despite my personalities. Every single day.

It doesn’t happen that often.

You certainly integrate my group of those often crazy people I treasure and love (even though I don't show it much), and call FAMILY FRIENDS (you know who you are btw)..

I'll hardly forget how much I care about you.

 

Living something new..

Jess.

a breath between my two states of mind (1)

I

To love oneself

The most primal instinct I sometimes forget I should cultivate.

In this strange world of wolves dressed as sheep, I hardly know who to trust, who to open up and relate to.

In the end, no matter how much love and optimism you experience, people will inevitably disappoint you, no one will ever rise up to what you truly expect.

I mean you can always settle for a little less, most certainly, but what you really aspire, the perfection considered sufficient for your own sake can only be accomplished by yourself and only yourself, with your dexterity and belief.
It's all on you.

You have the right/obligation to preserve yourself at any cost.

Don't wait for the one you love to make you happy, to keep you safe, to rescue you...he/she won't.

Love him/her, until you can, and until you do don't expect anything in return.

Find happiness somewhere else, in any other form than love itself.

When you love someone exclusively, restlessly, and expect them to feel everything in the same manner, you end up losing your way.

Love lightly. Love gently.

Jess.
to be continued.

The storm is on its way..

" Tinham feito a vida num inferno um ao outro embora se amassem muito.

E era bem verdade que se amavam.

Isso era a prova de que a culpa não era deles, dos seus comportamentos ou do seu sentimentalismo lábil.

A culpa era da incompatibilidade que havia entre eles por Ele ser forte e Ela ser fraca (...)

 

Mas era precisamente o fraco quem devia saber ser forte e partir quando o forte se encontrava demasiado fraco para poder sequer ofender o fraco "

Milan Kundera

Indeed you did.

" Maybe we're too young, and I don't even know what's real,
But I know I've never wanted anything so bad,

I've never wanted anyone so bad..

.

If I let you love me, be the one adored,

Would you go all the way?

Be the one I'm looking for... ? "

( Paramore "Adore" )