Journals Of My Alternate Mind

IV The Deception Point
Pt. 3

The moments shared,
promises and reassuring made combustive in my heart,
The anger, all my tears,pathetically shed in the office’s WC that morning,
the betrayal, the disappointment, his increasing apologies,
I couldn’t be more disgusted, I couldn’t say another word…
It was there, the ecstasy of my deception point.

And tonight, after all said and done, I write these lines in search of comfort,
or perhaps a logical explanation I’ll never come across.
Sorrow still lingers at the thought of him,
but the only thing that reminisces in my soul,

is the image of my body violently raging against his,
with my very last strength, with every single emotion in me conflicting and exploding onto him.
I hit him, I hurt him…

But it wounded me.
…

13.01.09 by Js.

Journals Of My Alternate Mind

IV. The Deception Point
Pt. 2

It’s the strangest phenomena,

when two lovers face each other in silence,
and are able to feel both everything and nothing all together…

He cautiously sat beside her,

yearning for the warmth

they both knew they needed from each other.

He would open his mouth to try to speak,

but words failed to be pronounced,
And she was shifting further and further away,

dealing with her own emotions very roughly.
He sensed she knew exactly what he intended to say,

that instead of making it easier,
only made things excruciatingly harder…

but it was too late to go back,

he had to say something.

The mutual stillness was suddenly interrupted by his abrupt words

condemning the unfounded ending

to their short but intense relationship.
It just wasn’t powerful enough to surpass his fear

and uncertainty towards his and his young daughter’s future.
It wasn’t protected well enough

to outdo his ex’s constant manipulative schemes to get him back

so she could have her pride repaired.
It wasn’t meaningful enough for him

to try and beat all odds against them.

Fury and disbelief frenzied in her eyes,

burning him through razor-sharp words…

13.01.09 by Js.

Journals Of My Alternate Mind

IV The Deception Point
Pt. 1
Sun rays rushed through my room this morning,
Time is interrupted,
And my shady mind resets itself.Initiating the flashing back process,
I lose my sense of location, as last night gets replayed in vivid details, one more time.

The phone rang at about five minutes past nine.
She’d erased his number from her contact list the day before,
but she wasn’t stunned when his voice hardly made itself heard on the other end of the line:
Her heart beat faster than her mind could keep up, as he announced his arrival at her place.

She went outside, feeling excited and worried, angry and scared all at once,
The night greeted her with a warm breeze, surrounded by the sound of silence and distant frogs,
minding their own existence.
She walked up and saw the headlights, focused on her fragile figure, so as his eyes,
Forced herself near,
expectant that he would venture out of the safety of his element -his car-Which he eventually did.

Their eyes met for a brief moment,
from then on he knew she had lost that sparkle she always used to have in her eyes, whenever he was present.
He knew this was different.
What he was about to do
had already cost him a lot more than he could have ever imagined....

13.01.09

Journals Of My Alternate Mind

II
Love and Other Moments
I have to be honest, there were times I felt truly alone,
as if I was lacking comfort from someone

I would allow my vulnerability to.
But then again, being free,

and in charge of my own emotions

seems far more appealing
than letting my guard down to someone

who will most likely disappoint me.

Even so, why does it happen?
Why do you still fall in love with a person,

so you can just lose control of your emotions,
and become so attached,

to the point that even though you just know her for a brief month,

you already cant seem to shake off the addictive desire to belong.
I wanted to belong. with you.

as quickly as you appeared in my life,
I instantly knew I haven’t felt such 'compability' in a long time.
I instantly loved you,

not just because I was smitten by you,

but mostly due to the fact that you proved me wrong.I can still feel.
I'm still capable of developing real and healthy emotions for someone.
You fixed me...and I can fix you.

13.01.09 by Js.

Journals Of My Alternate Mind.

I
Sorrows and Expectations

Facing the hopeful start of a new year,
I reflect yet again bitterness in the eyes,
as well as with anger and disbelieve both lodged in my heart.
It’s been awhile since I've been in this state of mind
I'm now being forced to revisit.
The past year was almost too good to be true,
sure I've had the inevitable setbacks
life often throws at us,
few relationships,
none of them turned out the way I would have liked,
but didn’t hurt me either, so it worked just fine.
It was particularly important for me to not have been hurt,
my self-esteem needed a break from being put down,
so for the first time I was in control,
my broken spirit was untouchable,
my heart was safe
because it chose to not bow down to practically anyone.
I dare to say,
being deliberately cold and insensitive
was the happiest feeling I've ever experienced.

13.01.09

Destino e outras ironias.

"O Destino costuma estar ao virar da esquina.

Como se fosse um gatuno, uma rameira ou um vendedor de lotaria:

as suas três encarnações mais batidas...

Mas o que não faz é visitas ao domicílio.

É preciso ir atrás Dele..."

in a Sombra do Vento-Carlos Luís Zafón