Journals Of My Alternate Mind

IV The Deception Point
Pt. 1
Sun rays rushed through my room this morning,
Time is interrupted,
And my shady mind resets itself.Initiating the flashing back process,
I lose my sense of location, as last night gets replayed in vivid details, one more time.

The phone rang at about five minutes past nine.
She’d erased his number from her contact list the day before,
but she wasn’t stunned when his voice hardly made itself heard on the other end of the line:
Her heart beat faster than her mind could keep up, as he announced his arrival at her place.

She went outside, feeling excited and worried, angry and scared all at once,
The night greeted her with a warm breeze, surrounded by the sound of silence and distant frogs,
minding their own existence.
She walked up and saw the headlights, focused on her fragile figure, so as his eyes,
Forced herself near,
expectant that he would venture out of the safety of his element -his car-Which he eventually did.

Their eyes met for a brief moment,
from then on he knew she had lost that sparkle she always used to have in her eyes, whenever he was present.
He knew this was different.
What he was about to do
had already cost him a lot more than he could have ever imagined....

13.01.09

Journals Of My Alternate Mind

II
Love and Other Moments
I have to be honest, there were times I felt truly alone,
as if I was lacking comfort from someone

I would allow my vulnerability to.
But then again, being free,

and in charge of my own emotions

seems far more appealing
than letting my guard down to someone

who will most likely disappoint me.

Even so, why does it happen?
Why do you still fall in love with a person,

so you can just lose control of your emotions,
and become so attached,

to the point that even though you just know her for a brief month,

you already cant seem to shake off the addictive desire to belong.
I wanted to belong. with you.

as quickly as you appeared in my life,
I instantly knew I haven’t felt such 'compability' in a long time.
I instantly loved you,

not just because I was smitten by you,

but mostly due to the fact that you proved me wrong.I can still feel.
I'm still capable of developing real and healthy emotions for someone.
You fixed me...and I can fix you.

13.01.09 by Js.

Journals Of My Alternate Mind.

I
Sorrows and Expectations

Facing the hopeful start of a new year,
I reflect yet again bitterness in the eyes,
as well as with anger and disbelieve both lodged in my heart.
It’s been awhile since I've been in this state of mind
I'm now being forced to revisit.
The past year was almost too good to be true,
sure I've had the inevitable setbacks
life often throws at us,
few relationships,
none of them turned out the way I would have liked,
but didn’t hurt me either, so it worked just fine.
It was particularly important for me to not have been hurt,
my self-esteem needed a break from being put down,
so for the first time I was in control,
my broken spirit was untouchable,
my heart was safe
because it chose to not bow down to practically anyone.
I dare to say,
being deliberately cold and insensitive
was the happiest feeling I've ever experienced.

13.01.09

Destino e outras ironias.

"O Destino costuma estar ao virar da esquina.

Como se fosse um gatuno, uma rameira ou um vendedor de lotaria:

as suas três encarnações mais batidas...

Mas o que não faz é visitas ao domicílio.

É preciso ir atrás Dele..."

in a Sombra do Vento-Carlos Luís Zafón

"..just when the caterpillar thought the world was over

it became a butterfly.."

Reanimation Room

I finally realized what’s been ticking me off these last 3 days…
It’s that bitter taste one gets only after being used.
It’s part of who we are to use one another…
Either for material benefits
or merely emotional.
Using something or someone in its favor is what human nature succeeds at.
Makes me sick though…
To know that everyone around me keeps using each other
for whatever reason they can find.

Reached a point in which I almost don’t mind my problems
almost forgetting they exist,
cause few or practically none care enough, genuinely,
to want to do something, anything that would actually help.
So why do I always have to be this reanimation room…
The one nobody remembers ever being in,
or even its existence
until the next relapse…

It’s frustrating, that in end, we’re all alike
and there’s very little to do in order to prevent someone from using us,
and we ourselves from doing it to someone else…

to.be.continued. JeSykah.

[13.07.08]

DEEP SHADOWS AND BRILLIANT HIGHLIGHTS

"DEEP SHADOWS AND BRILLIANT HIGHLIGHTS"

EPILOGUE

What I write may not make sense, most of my thoughts dont.

How I feel may not be well accepted by many

It doesnt matter,

what I know is what I believe in

And even having my better judgment clouded by this State,

I fight for what I want.

I fight against what is disposable.

And in the end,
we all wake up every morning
wishing we layed beneath a different sky,
living a different life
Closing our eyes at the end of the day
yearning for that same change
we badly yearned the day before....

...Clarity is what we need.

{ 29.06.08 }

{ Metamorphosis } (all over again)

I probably need to stop…

Take another breath, and just think.

I’m guessing I must come to an exact understanding of what is happening to me

before I lose my complete sense of direction.

I came back different.

I came back wanting and caring about different matters…

I feel like I’m trapped in my own shell (and I know I probably am…),

Surrounded by things I no longer recognize or relate to.

Every joke, any talk or event seems completely banal,

No longer creating that same effect on me as it used to a month ago…

No one really notices it, lives are just so filled with issues

so futile and transitory as the little grains of sand on the beach…

Futile. Ordinary. Non-captivating.

That’s how everything seems to me now

I know not if its caused by you,

strange distant presence that I now crave

More than anything else

Or if its just that time to leave…

Move on. To bigger things…

To some other place where life has more meaning

than here in a single pathetic weekend.…

Change…

it isn’t always for the best…

But it can’t be worse that being caught up

in the same old “this”.

[.by.MJ.20.01.08.]

Silently Still. Stop The Rollercoaster.

How can I ever sit still

when my life is constantly whirl-winding

through emotions that I control but fail to understand...

?