a breath between my two states of mind (2)

II

(...) When he wouldn't love me, I lost perception of whether the love I felt for him compared and weighed to the desire I had to run, of getting it out of my system, was stronger.

…feels like I'm cornered in this stupid little maze game, that I'm just too out of breath to keep playing.

I'm too vulnerable, wonder how it got this way…

It's as if I were a puppet Love is trying to mercilessly man-handle

(...)

I know now what triumphed: the desire of getting it out my system.

This has become too inconvenient.

I'm running, walking out on loving. Away from not being loved…

I choose to preserve myself. To love oneself always.

I think I might just be the wicked one after all…

M'Jayes ~

from "a breath between two states of mind II - 29.06.10 "

My final day.

.

Another chapter is fulfilled, another story ends...

I've always hated saying goodbye. Just can't stand it.

The moment itself passes by so fast, and one honestly thinks he will get through it alright, without even flinching.

But then later, once adrenaline stops pumping, one realizes, nah, my insides are not alright.

It starts hurting like crap and the more one tries to convince himself that it will pass, the more it gets him: the real magnitude of a goodbye.

Goodbyes may vary, not all are definitive, some are even easier to embrace with time and perhaps determination.

I probably hate goodbyes not necessarily because of someone's absence itself, it's the resulting effects.

When I say goodbye to someone dear, even if for a brief period of time, I'm always restless.

I fear that with time and distance that particular bond I had with that individual might slowly start to fade into something ordinary.

And all the good moments, all the wishing well and companionship, just zoom out into pleasant sights I've once seen and aren't quite the same anymore, becoming only vivid memories well kept in my mind's special drawer..

Hate reminiscing, I am only truly happy while I'm living it!!

We lived. we laughed. we argued. we were there for one another.

In our highest performances, in our lowest thoughts.

You took the time to know me..each one of me.

when I was myself and when I wasn’t.

You took the time to listen, you took the time learn, to teach, to love me, because and despite my personalities. Every single day.

It doesn’t happen that often.

You certainly integrate my group of those often crazy people I treasure and love (even though I don't show it much), and call FAMILY FRIENDS (you know who you are btw)..

I'll hardly forget how much I care about you.

 

Living something new..

Jess.

a breath between my two states of mind (1)

I

To love oneself

The most primal instinct I sometimes forget I should cultivate.

In this strange world of wolves dressed as sheep, I hardly know who to trust, who to open up and relate to.

In the end, no matter how much love and optimism you experience, people will inevitably disappoint you, no one will ever rise up to what you truly expect.

I mean you can always settle for a little less, most certainly, but what you really aspire, the perfection considered sufficient for your own sake can only be accomplished by yourself and only yourself, with your dexterity and belief.
It's all on you.

You have the right/obligation to preserve yourself at any cost.

Don't wait for the one you love to make you happy, to keep you safe, to rescue you...he/she won't.

Love him/her, until you can, and until you do don't expect anything in return.

Find happiness somewhere else, in any other form than love itself.

When you love someone exclusively, restlessly, and expect them to feel everything in the same manner, you end up losing your way.

Love lightly. Love gently.

Jess.
to be continued.

The storm is on its way..

" Tinham feito a vida num inferno um ao outro embora se amassem muito.

E era bem verdade que se amavam.

Isso era a prova de que a culpa não era deles, dos seus comportamentos ou do seu sentimentalismo lábil.

A culpa era da incompatibilidade que havia entre eles por Ele ser forte e Ela ser fraca (...)

 

Mas era precisamente o fraco quem devia saber ser forte e partir quando o forte se encontrava demasiado fraco para poder sequer ofender o fraco "

Milan Kundera

Indeed you did.

" Maybe we're too young, and I don't even know what's real,
But I know I've never wanted anything so bad,

I've never wanted anyone so bad..

.

If I let you love me, be the one adored,

Would you go all the way?

Be the one I'm looking for... ? "

( Paramore "Adore" )

I have to discipline myself.

my heartbeat.

myself. internally. my mind.

with you.

with everything. externally.

I must discipline myself. Keep me steady, keep me safe.

Not want it all, not lose it all in the end.

heartbeat discipline.

Argh...where the heck did M'jayes go ? :|

* " Would you want me when I'm not myself ?

Wait it out while I am someone else...? " John Mayer - Not Myself

There are three types of Men in a Woman's life:

One. Those She loves;

Two. Those who want Her; and

Three. Those who love Her.

Women on the other hand, should be wise enough to choose number three. Inevitably..

'Cause those she loves, in addition to those who simply want her..

Those, just might not be that worth it in the long run as she thinks or would like them to be.

Be with those who Love you.

being M'Jayes today ~

* " Aqui não existe um perfeitamente claro e maduro mundo de Sexo, mas um mundo que não é suficientemente humano, apenas Masculino, é Fogo, Intoxicação e Desassossego, coberto de velhos preconceitos e arrogância com os quais o Homem, desfigurou e queimou o Amor..." - Rainer Maria Rilke.

The Eyes ~

“ We all need someone to look at us.

We can be divided into 4 categories according to the kind of look we wish to live under.

The first category longs for the look of an infinite number of anonymous eyes, in other words, for the look of the public.

The second category is made up by people who have a vital need to be looked at by many known eyes.

They are the tireless hosts of cocktail parties and dinners.

They are happier than the people in the first category, who, when they lose their public, have the feeling that the lights have gone out in the room of their lives.

This happens to nearly all of them sooner or later.

People in the second category, on the other hand, can always come up with the eyes they need.

Then there is the third category, the category of people who need to be constantly before the eyes of the person they love.

Their situation is as dangerous as the situation of people in the first category.

One day the eyes of their beloved will close, and the room will go dark.

And finally there is the fourth category, the rarest, the category of people who live in the imaginary eyes of those who are not present.

 They are the Dreamers. “ – Milan Kundera

(third & fourth category)

Monólogo 1

Gostaria de descobrir em que momento duas pessoas se apaixonam...

Quando e como é que os seus verdadeiros "eu" se interligam?

Quanto tempo tal leva a acontecer...

Durará 10 segundos?! 2 horas..?!

Uma vida inteira?

Será uma troca de olhares suficiente?

Ou talvez a aparente eternidade do silêncio...

Ou a cumplicidade de um sorriso?

Gostaria de perceber a lógica por trás do fenómeno que é duas pessoas se apaixonarem.

Sentirmo-nos atraídos por alguém é uma questão de minutos, mas o processo de amar a pessoa por quem nos apaixonámos, requer muito mais.

É um caminho poucos têm a coragem de escolher, é um caminho que quase ninguém percorre na totalidade.

Devido ao medo, talvez à desilusão, experimentada e ainda por experimentar.

Qualquer desses factores constitui obstáculo, a nós mesmos.

Que nos travam no amar quem queremos amar..

Que travam os que nos querem amar de volta.

Ninguém quer amar sem ser amado!

Nem ninguém pode ser amado, sem que para isso ame também.

Será que faz diferença?

Será que o amar não correspondido deixa de valer como tal?

Porquê que algo supostamente genuíno, deve preencher requisitos e condições?

O ser humano consegue ser tão egoísta ao ponto de manipular algo sobre o qual nem ele próprio tem qualquer tipo de controlo...

.
Gostaria de entender o processo de amar; por mais longo que fosse..

Descobrir se realmente chegamos a amar alguém..ou tão somente o que o objecto do nosso afecto nos pode proporcionar?

.
Na realidade, amamos muito mais o Ego do que qualquer outro ser humano.

É o Ego que precisa de ser constantemente acariciado e mimado;

É o Ego a fonte da insegurança, por precisar de sempre de mais...

É o Ego o início do fim de uma multiplicidade de coisas: emoções não compreendidas, amor mal interpretado e nunca como se espera, porque no fundo, quando se "ama", não se ama outra identidade...
.

Ama-se simplesmente a identidade que Nós assumimos ao amarmos outrem...

(01.02.2009)

something i wrote last year. still clueless..

(pik by jess)

Admiration

You're an unfenced fire

Over walls we travel
It's you I admire
My living example
.
It's a photograph discovered a decade after
It's a cannon blast disguised as a firecracker
It's enough to bring a brick wall to its knees
.

And sing, please
Could you move in slow motion?
Everything goes by so fast
Just slow down a little
Save the best part for last

great song.

(Incubus "Admiration")

" O que o eu tem de único encontra-se precisamente naquilo que o ser humanos tem de inimaginável.

Só consegue imaginar-se o que é idêntico em todos, o que é comum a todos.

O seu EU individual é aquilo que se distingue do geral, e é, portanto, aquilo que não pode ser adivinhado nem calculado antecipadamente, aquilo que primeiro é preciso desvendar, descobrir, conquistar no outro.

(...)

Só na sexualidade é que o milionésimo de diferente aparece como uma coisa preciosa, porque não é publicamente acessível e tem de ser conquistado.

Ainda há meio século, este tipo de conquista exigia que se lhe dedicasse muito tempo e o valor do objecto conquistado era proporcional ao tempo consagrado à sua conquista.

Mesmo nos dias que correm, embora o tempo da conquista tenha diminuído consideravelmente; a sexualidade é para nós como que o cofrezinho das jóias onde se encontra guardado o mistério do eu feminino..... " 

 -  Milan Kundera  (A Insustentável Leveza do Ser)

(pik: anasílvia.catembe10)

Antecipation


there's this thing I love when I glance at a complete blank canvas: it's the feeling of antecipation;
almost compared to the thrill of the eminent first kiss.
That hype I get when picking up a new color to start on, mentally visualizing new lines to draw.

A miscellania of ideas being brought to life.
How all shades come together in the end still amazes me sometimes.


The antecipation...
of filling in a new page, with new sensations and a new set of eyes, with only the colors and patterns of my will;
Letting imagination sketch freely onto my heart and patiently waiting for the end result.


It's the antecipation of whats to come, the antecipation for that particular result is what makes it worth the wait.


A brand new beginning,
a brand new canvas. different tones.

.
A world full of colorful possibilities awaiting. I just have to 'draw'.

M'Jayes ~

Derek said..

" Meredith, I do love you.
Don't you see? You're the love of my life, I can't leave you.
But you constantly leave me.
So I'm asking you please end it because I'm in it.  Put me out of my misery "

(Derek Shepherd in Grey's Anatomy)


........I'm Derek. a complete sucker for Meredith Grey.